I'm curious, no, "fixated" would be a better word, on an idea I've had for years. I've never been able to carry the plan out in actuality, for numerous reasons, but that doesn't mean that its siren song doesn't taunt me in the darkest recesses of my mind.
Big revelation: I was gang-raped as a sophomore in college by three football players. I won't go into the details, but suffice it to say, according to "rape culture stigma," I made "poor choices" and beat myself up over it for years afterwards. Now I know that regardless of the fact that I allowed three strange young men "friends of a friend" into my apartment, when my roommate was passed out in her room, allowed them to talk me into taking shots with them (the lure of underage drinking when "free" drinks were offered,) allowed them to talk me into "going into (my) bedroom to 'chill'" and "turn(ing) up the radio so our laughing doesn't disturb (my) roommate or neighbors," they had no right to forcefully have intercourse with me, disregard my protestations, or use a knife to terrify and mark me - to their own amusement. But this blog isn't meant to preach on one of today's "hot button" topics, it is to mentally work through the thoughts I have about further processing and healing - to see if it makes sense in black and white like it does in my head.
The aftermath:
I have extreme difficulty "getting off." This didn't use to be the case. But the rape caused a disconnect between my body and my head. To say I live in my head is no exaggeration. I am very disconnected from my body, and as such, this makes it hard to "let go" and "just feel." My mind wants, no, needs, to be in control - and so it is...almost constantly. My best scenes are when something happens to jolt me into my body and cut off the constant drone of my thoughts - but it rarely happens. Mainly, because my head is my safe space. It is where I retreated during the attack...calmly and rationally thinking and planning how to move, how to act, what to say...to stay alive, to keep them focused on me so their threats to wake up and use my roommate didn't materialize. My body was out of my control, but my head was not. And now, my head won't give up that control...it is what kept me safe, kept me alive...what got me through years of counseling and processing and assimilation to a normal life. And during sex is when it is most apparent that those three attackers did what feels like permanent damage as they took so much of my sexuality from me by dividing my body and my mind.
I've tried yoga. I've tried meditation. I've tried various types of exercising. But it is still so difficult to inhabit my body fully.
BDSM has been great for me in that it has allowed me to give up a certain amount of control over myself and realize that I can trust myself to another person, physically. It has given me brilliant moments of being fully present in my body, and out of my mind (although rare - they are happening more often.) It has allowed me to recognize that I can dress and look and be sexual and provocative if I choose - and that it is my right to say "No" to anything I don't want to do - or anyone that I don't want to do it with. It has allowed me to come to terms with the fact that having sex - in whatever way, with whatever person (or persons) I desire - does not make me a bad person - and definitely doesn't make me "deserve" a non-consensual assault.
My head knows this - but my body still isn't on board. It holds back far too much, far too often. It is almost afraid to enjoy my sexuality...it is still broken. It enjoys the flirtation...the foreplay...the breathless rush of intoxicating anticipation...but when it is stripped bare - vulnerable and at the precipice of more - of fully letting go...it freezes up and shuts down and the mind takes over once again.
Especially when anyone other than Mike is around...shadows of the past chain my soul and freeze my boiling blood...
AND IT SUCKS!!!
I desperately want to be able to be vulnerable. More importantly, to relish and enjoy my own vulnerability. To take back what was taken from me. To connect with the sensual, voracious, succubus-like creature that I know is within me (okay, maybe minus the soul-sucking demoness part...or maybe not)...
Based on my own fantasies over the past few years, along with dreams, and hours upon hours of thoughts about it, I think I know what the next step on my road to full health is. But, as my adoring, wise, boyfriend has pointed out - it is littered with land-mines and a potential traumatic trigger.
We have worked some on forced orgasms...and then a couple of times of forced orgasms in "public" (usually a quiet corner of the dungeon helps.) And that is going well. But it is hard to give your body to someone else's keeping if you haven't first taken it back for yourself, no?
I think it would take going back to a recreation almost...of what happened. But changing the circumstances...changing the outcome. Recreating the fear...but with people I trust...allowing me to "choose" to re-enact the situation to a degree...allowing me to get out of my head and into my body during it...and most importantly, allowing me to FEEL what is happening and to ENJOY it. Choosing to inhabit my body...to choose to be sexual...to take control back, in a way, turn the tables. To sink into the fear, the pain, the arousal, the whole experience - physically...I think would be cleansing.
I've thought about it for years...and I will continue to think about it for more, most likely. This will be a topic I come back to, undoubtedly.
What happened to me happened...that will not change...I have come to know this. It has changed me - and most of this change I have made positive...except for this aspect which still haunts me. Because I had no choice, something was taken from me in the process...now I wish to CHOOSE to have no choice, and in doing so, take that something back.
more pondering ahead...
