Tough epiphany

What a weekend! What a time for introspection and the seeds of change/growth!

WARNING! EXTREMELY DIFFICULT VULNERABILITY AHEAD (proceed at your own risk)

The time for focus on healing is near.  It is amazing to me that the body manifests health issues when there are problems that need to be addressed with the spirit – yet I believe it happens, because I have seen it time and again in my own body.  And I have also had the privilege of seeing the opposite, when a strong and healthy spirit can manifest healing within the body.  We are such fascinating creations!

Baggage time. Ignoring it, unfortunately, does not help it to go away.  My deepest fears lie within and demand attention. I waited too long to leave a toxic relationship…hanging on until the last possible moment…until I really began to fear for my own physical safety.  I should have put more importance in the safety of my spirit, which bore heavy damage long before my body ever showed signs of mistreatment.  I left…broken.  Recognizing in leaving the chance to overhaul and build a better me, I dove headfirst into my own recreation.  I knew I wanted to help people – I knew that was of primary importance to my life’s purpose, and I believe that manifestation lies in helping people heal themselves.  So I filled my life and time with chasing this goal (literally FILLED my time – not much to spare, even for my heart’s desire.)  But this “busy-ness” is also my coping *read – DENIAL* mechanism.  So much easier to DO on the outside than to SEE on the inside. 

My development as an adult and as the woman I want to be was stunted and lay slowly and stagnantly swirling through the years of my misspent trust.  I lost the faith in myself, and more importantly, the faith in mankind in general.  Now is time to reconnect with my true self and to re-build the parts I want to emphasize.  So I surrounded myself with examples of women with qualities I desired to cultivate most, and I was blessed that they welcomed me, literally, into their family.  What better way to create than to see concrete examples of your vision, and watch them…

I am watching unbelievable beauty of spirit in all of them, as well as grace under tremendous pressure, amazing strength IN obedience, compassion, selflessness, sacrifice, fierce protection, a creator of joy, a literal spine of steel, and so many other qualities that seem effortless and innate in these women.  I, honestly, feel like a “baby-woman,” a definite “work-in-progress,” just now “under construction.”  And I am extremely optimistic at the direction their example is providing in my undertaking. 

I am finding myself more and more unsure, hearing more and more the broken record in my head that I desperately want to smash and record over.  Our minds are such suggestible things, grabbing onto words spoken, emotions lending them strength, transforming the words of others into our own thoughts, to become our self-held beliefs.  To break these when they have taken root and spread their poison throughout our souls is no easy task, especially when they have had years to wreak havoc. 

What does it take?  What will it take to change this pattern?  Cutting out the sources of toxicity – check.  Now to re-program.  Repetition…words, over and over and over and over…to replace the words of darkness.  Words of affirmation from trusted inner-circles.  But most importantly, deeds to prove the original programming wrong.  Actions that lend credibility to the new words.  Actions that help establish the new thoughts, that help transform these new repeated words into thoughts, and eventually, into beliefs that strangle every last thread of poison. 

 

I am not worthless, I am priceless.  I am not weak, I have strength beyond measure.  I am not immature, I have held onto my childish innocence.  I am not damaged goods, I am a beautiful, sexual creature.  I am not a lodestone, I am inspiration.  The darkness has created a light that touches others with its purity.  I am not complicated, I am fascinatingly complex. 

I am going to allow myself quiet time each day for this reprogramming…for the repair of my spirit.  I am going to focus on presence and live in the moment, choosing actions that enforce this person that I am strengthening.  I am going to allow myself to reach out to my support system more, and remind myself that “birds of a feather…” and that there is a reason these “birds” welcomed me, even if I cannot yet see the similarity of our feathers.  

Most importantly, I am going to continue to live in love, extending it to everyone that crosses my path.  Looking for its expression in a myriad of ways around me.  And allow myself to extend the same understanding and love that I easily and willingly give others to myself. 

Yikes!