I am sorry that we have to be on such formal terms and I can't just tell you this face-to-...well, belly. But our relationship has never been a good one. You and I both know that. So I figured it would be good for me to vent my thoughts and feelings in this format. I hope that, at the end of this, we can start over...or at least move on in re-building our relationship together.
I have so much to apologize to you for, that I really don't know where to start. First of all, I am sorry for hating you. Not only did I hate you, I despised you with a passion that was not fit for pure evil incarnate, much less a very real and innocent part of me. I hated you to such a degree that I practically denied your very existence. I would skim over you with the quickest and lightest of touches in the shower...but only out of necessity...and that was the only physical contact I ever allowed you to experience. When lovers would run their fingers over you, I'd quickly brush their hands to "better geography" (or so I thought at the time.) When friends' hands would touch you, even by accident, in an embrace, my whole body would become tense and reject their affection in an effort to deny your existence. I covered you up with clothes, even during intimate times, baring my entire body to the eyes of lovers, but not you. I was less ashamed to show my genitals to other people than I was that they catch a glimpse of you, much less fully realize your true, entire real-estate. I would constantly "suck you in" and try to make you as invisible and unnoticeable as possible, to the point of stomach cramps and indigestion. I would envelop you in "control top" everything in my ploy to camouflage and disguise you. I knew, somehow, deep down, that I would never have children, and so, I wrote you off as useless and embarrassing. I was so wrong, and I am sorry.
I am sorry that I did not get to know you as well as I did the rest of my body. I am sorry I did not know of the amazing softness and sensitivity of the skin that covers you, and begs to be kissed. Of your remarkable messaging system, telling me constantly how my visceral organs are doing on a minute to minute basis. Of your link to my intuition, how you are sometimes the only part of my body that speaks to me when I know something is off or wrong, deep inside my spirit.
I am sorry that I withheld so much from you. That I could love every part of me, flaws and all, for the strength and beauty of form that each part held for me...except you. I am sorry that I would rarely breathe, truly breathe deeply, in fear of increasing and acknowledging your size.
You are just as much a part of me as my face, or feet, or hands, or heart...and I promise to work on recognizing how truly wonderful you are. I plan on touching you more. Allowing myself to look at you more. Eventually allowing others to look at you, as well, regardless of what condition I have left you in. I plan on loving your new "decoration" - a testament to your strength and a reminder of this growing bond between us. I think I may even look into belly-dancing (even though you KNOW how uncoordinated I am - but I will do it FOR us...and for me, as a whole woman.) I vow to work on embracing you as PART of my sensuality, and not a deterrent from it. I promise to work on breathing deeply into you, allowing you the same nourishment and spiritual conditioning that I give the rest of my body. I want to re-connect with you, and I hope, in time, I will grow to love you, and thereby, fully come to love myself.
Thank you for teaching me, and making me a better person,
Christie
PS: thank you for being able to literally hold a football-sized tumor inside me and not kill or incapacitate me!!!
From my scarred up belly to yours -- this is amazing revelation for you. I love you and after mine, I came to have gratitude for that scar and the lessons it brought me. Apparently yours is also bringing lessons.
ReplyDeleteI look forward to dancing with you.
BP